No Surprise

Six months between posts? I'm not shocked, and no one reads this anyway, so let's just move along.

Stuff is actually happening in my life again, meaning I actually HAVE a life, and it's much easier to keep a digital record of my thoughts and feelings than a manual one. Although I would really like to work on my penmanship, this is just faster and easier. My online diary. No more memes or prompts unless my brain needs a jump-start. Just me rambling, thinking, brainstorming.

I'm dating someone. The morning after our first date (two months ago yesterday) I woke up with the most incredible sense of peace and rightness. It freaked me out, actually, how calm and certain I was that it was right. It wasn't a "love at first sight" thing or an instant soul mate-like connection, not even close. We met at Denny's and had bacon sundaes and just hung out for a couple hours. It wasn't the best date I'd ever had, but we had a good time. But the next morning... I actually debated confronting him and asking him if he used some sort of witchcraft on me. Slip a love potion into my ice cream? Voodoo doll?

Then my PMDD went and tried to blow it all up.

Mostly our time spent together is at his place watching movies and roughhousing and tickle fights and... stuff. We've been out a handful of times since our first date. He's not terribly romantic, doesn't go out of his way to do little things, has never given me any little presents. I have never been the sort of girl to demand material tribute or expensive dates, but it started to wear on me that he didn't seem to be making an effort. His demeanor is very very sweet and kind, but just being nice wasn't enough. I didn't feel special.

One night I snapped and said something really uncalled for out of left field. I tried to apologize and take it back right away but he got extremely upset and we got into a pretty decent spat. A couple weeks later I asked if he had any mode besides teasing, which led to another "discussion" in which he reached back to past conversations and pointed out times he was nice. And there are a lot of times he has been nice and very understanding (about my PMDD, sex, and other things). I had a mini personal crisis... Am I just a bitch? Am I high maintenance? Does he just not meet my standards, will it not work, am I trying to force it?

After reflecting on it and going back and rereading past conversations I came to the conclusion that I have no idea what the fuck I was thinking. He had been doing things I was asking of him and accusing him of not doing, just in a slightly different manner. He's not a gooey drippy romantic, but the way he was expressing himself showed more than I read at first. I just needed to open my mind and let him express himself the way he does best.

Sounds like a lot of drama to be happening in the opening act. I mean, it's only been two months. But I'm glad I didn't completely ruin it.

Prompt #5: My Dreams

I've given up on going by "days" for the prompt and will just stick with my own schedule for posting when I remember am not lazy have time.

This prompt could be interpreted a few ways, but I'll go literal and ramble about my nightly subconscious adventures. My dreams are extremely fickle. They tend to be extremely realistic and vivid and include all five senses. Most of the time I don't realize I'm dreaming until I wake up extremely confused and disoriented. Sometimes I know what's going on couldn't possible be real (or is extremely unlikely) but take it for granted as being real anyway. Other times I realize I'm dreaming and try to control the events with varying levels of success. I believe this is called "lucid dreaming," although I've heard different definitions of the term.

Only once have I had definite control over a dream: the first time I was clearly aware that I was dreaming I was standing in front of a row of doors, perhaps at a motel or apartment complex. I remember the stucco wall was a harsh shade of coral or salmon and the doors were all teal with gold numbers. I remember being under the impression I was in the desert, and I think I remember thorny plants (perhaps strangled-looking roses?) along portions of the wall. Considering the door directly in front of me, wondering what I should want to be on the other side, I said to myself "when I open this I will wake up." And I did so, immediately and fully. I have never had that level of control again. Even when I am aware I am dreaming and have tried to control elements, they obey only grudgingly or not at all.

Something I find odd about my dreams is that many times I'll dream about a location or a person that I have never seen before in my waking life but I find it familiar (sometimes vaguely, sometimes extremely), as though I have been there or met them many times before. Perhaps I dreamed about them before but didn't remember upon waking? Or while dreaming a dream I will have the feeling I've dreamt it before and make guesses at what happens next. Whether or not I am actually recalling the dream or am shaping how it plays out I don't know.

When I was young I would have very frequent recurring dreams located at my old church/elementary school. (They were located at the same complex for my kindergarten and first grade years.) It was around Christmas time: we were all sitting at the lunch tables doing Christmas crafts in the evening just after sundown. We realize the jingle bell sounds we hear aren't from our crafts, but from something far away and drawing closer... Something bright is approaching us in the sky. Could it actually be Santa Claus coming to visit us? But something is wrong. It feels suddenly very dark and sinister. We try to take shelter under the canvas canopy above the tables but realize it offers no protection at all, and so run indoors to the nearest classroom. But it isn't a classroom at all: it's my living room and kitchen! I run into the kitchen and duck down to hide behind the breakfast bar, but as sometimes happens in dreams, something doesn't make sense: I am clearly behind the solid barrier of the bar but can still see through it to what is happening on the other side. Suddenly the roof smashes in and a rocket (much like the one pictured) descends into the room.

That's where I always woke up. I never could make sense of it. Then again I regard my years at that school (small private Lutheran school, kindergarten through eighth grade) as largely an ordeal I came out of with tougher skin and a jaded outlook on life; when I dream about that place (roughly five or six times a year) they are rarely pleasant dreams. Rarely are they outright nightmares... except the one time I dreamed deadly pizzas spiraled out of the sky and chased us off the playground trying to slice our heads off. Try and tackle THAT one, dream interpreters.

Well Butter My Buns!

There's no particular reason for that title, I just think it's rather silly.

Updates in my life! I have two (count 'em, TWO) jobs now, which is amazing considering the economy and the five-month job search previous. This also means I am extremely busy most of the time and rarely have a true day off -- if I'm not working at one place, I'm working at the other.

Day Job is data entry and updating product information for an electronic components company. ("Components" meaning the itty bitty pieces that larger electronics companies buy to create their products that we the consumers buy.) I get to sit in from of a computer all day and translate part numbers, edit and/or create spec pages, and overhaul product listings and information for the corporation's website. It gets tedious but the office ambience is extremely laid back and fun. Plus they like to remind me to take lots of breaks. ;)

Night Job is at a popular fabric and craft store. Team members do everything there: cashiering, cut counter, go-backs and recovery, typical retail stuff. Being surrounded by crafty and creative supplies for hours at a time is extremely dangerous for me... I constantly want to turn right back around and put my entire paycheck right back into the store! This one is just a seasonal position for the holidays but there is always a possibility they may ask me to stay on after the new year. To be honest I haven't decided what I will do if that turns out to be the case, because Day Job pays better and will [probably] have more long-term options for me.

In other news, I had my first real car accident on late October. No one was hurt and the damage was relatively minor, but my poor little car was sans driver's side mirror for a little while. Driving on California freeways is an ordeal in and of itself, but lacking a mirror makes it ten times more terrifying. Little Blue actually just came back from the body shop two days ago, and while I can honestly say that while I am glad to have her back in nearly good-as-new shape (minus a few previous minor bumps and bruises), I miss the rental. A Chrysler Sebring is just a different class of car than what I drive, though it drove extremely touchy and took a little getting used to. As of tomorrow I won't be missing satellite radio though: after hearing me rave about it for a week, it's going to be a Christmas present from my folks!

We called the police right away, and they found the guy who hit me at fault for the accident. I thought that would make things simple: police report states he's at fault, his insurance is forced to accept liability and pay for everything, badda bing badda boom my car gets fixed and I get a rental with no out-of-pocket expenses. BOY was I wrong! He decided to claim the accident was equally as much my fault as his (which is baloney) and so his insurance won't cover our expenses. Luckily I just had to pay the deductible for the repairs and the rental was cheap; both our insurance companies have my statement and the police report now anyway, and my insurance is going to kick his insurance's ass and make them reimburse us.

Neither here nor there: As of late September, I am the proud new owner of my first smart phone. Being a Verizon customer, I chose the DroidX and absolutely looove it. The (compared to my previous plan/phone) astronomical bill is a little daunting, but with two jobs I at least don't have to worry about affording it.

That's about all I can think of right now, so I'll catch you cats later. Hopefully I'll remember to start up the prompt thing again at well. Stay cool!

Day 4 — Your sibling (or closest relative)

I have one half brother, my dad's son from a previous marriage. He's a police officer in Virginia, and just returned home from Iraq with the Army National Guard very late in August. His wife is amazing -- the fact that she married him proves it -- and his dog is the best-behaved animal I have ever had the pleasure of meeting and knowing. My favorite photo of the two of us is from when I was about two years old, so he was about 14. We're wearing different silly Mr. Potato Head glasses and are holding different mouths in our lips. It's bizarre and fun and so like us.

His wife is always very glad when we come out to visit because he has someone else to pick on for awhile.

When my mom told me he was leaving to join the Navy (I was six) I was furious at him. I loved my him very very much, and he was a fantastic big brother. I still do love him very much and he is still a fantastic older brother.

Now, where were we?

Day 3 — Your parents

This will be fun. Even though this prompt is just about my parents, of course being their daughter I am pretty involved in some areas so I will be in here as well.

My dad is one of eight children. He has five brothers and two sisters. Both of his passed away years ago. My mom has one brother, and her mother (my grandmother) is still alive but in a nursing home with hospice care.

I am an the only child of my parents, but my dad has a son from a previous marriage. Both my parents worked all day and into the evening when I would younger, so I grew up a day care kid. It was my dad's job to pick me up every day around 5:30pm, and everyone knew his bright orange truck on sight. As soon as we got home he went straight to his computer and played card games online while my mom slept on the couch and I was left to my own devices.

My dad is very passive-aggressive, jealous, and stubborn. My mom is pretty quiet now but I still see the remnants of how fiery she must have been when she was younger. As far as I know the only friends she has are the people she works with. When my mom and I used to go to church she occasionally attended bible studies as well, but dad didn't like her going out. Even for bible studies. I was always under the impression that he essentially didn't let her have friends. He doesn't really have friends either now that he's out of work, just people he does handyman/contractor work for and our neighbors.

I think because I didn't have a model for friendships growing up I didn't know how to socialize properly. I didn't know that kids are supposed to be inquisitive and ask questions, so I was very quiet and shy and did as I was told. Once when my mom and I were leaving church, when I was maybe 10 or 11, my mom asked me if I had ever thought about running away. I said no. She replied that she thought about it sometimes. That scared the crap out of me and I had absolutely no idea how to respond.

When I was in seventh grade, so around 12 or 13, I sort of almost but really didn't attempt to hurt myself. I was really upset about our lack of family anything and stressed about school bullies, so after a bath one night I was crying and grabbed my mom's sewing scissors and made cutting motions across my wrists. Now I have never cut myself and never will cut myself, but sometimes I needed some sort of pain for... something. Mostly I dug my fingernails into myself or poked myself with pens and pencils. Enough to feel it but not enough to cause noticeable lasting damage. The next day at school I cracked again during class, totally broke down, as was sent to the office. My mom came from work and it all came out -- how I didn't feel like I belonged anywhere and how I was convinced they didn't love me because they never acknowledged me and how much I hated that school and blah blah blah.

So, because I was in emotional pain about being ignored by my parents, we went to family counseling. The therapist would talk to me in one room and my parents in another. She started spending more and more time with my parents and finally stopped talking to me altogether. So once again I was left to my own devices. Mostly drawing on the whiteboard or figuring out how to play the Imperial March on an old little plunky musical toy. (I finally did get the Imperial March down, and it sounded pretty awesome on that toy.)

My dad was forced to retire from his position as a crane operator/mechanic when I was in high school. Years before I was born he was electrocuted and suffered really, really terrible burns all over his body. When electricity enters a body is has to exit somehow, which is why grounding is so important. If something isn't grounded it runs the risk of being blown up, human bodies included. My dad was fortunate (relatively speaking) in that instead of blowing off a limb the electricity exited all over his body. He is missing a pinky toe, though. He was pretty miserable being forced to sit at home, but keeps busy by doing handyman work for people. His specialty is custom cabinetry, and he's very very good at what he does. The man is an artist with wood. I love the smell of heavy duty grease and sawed pine because both remind me of him.

Through all of it -- the accident and the awful and painful recovery -- my mom was there.  She changed his bandages, dressed the wounds. I can't image watching someone you love being in that much pain, but she did it. And I get so angry at him sometimes for not being plain old nicer to her considering everything she has done for him.

My mom works as an assistant manger-type for an electrical components company. She's been working there for probably 15 or 16 years, and she is vastly underpaid for her position compared to other companies. She also does not know how to type properly or work a computer effectively, and probably wouldn't be able to survive in a modern office setting where she would be better paid. The company she works for now is basically a mom-and-pop sort of place, but the owners are fantastic and really take care of their employees. Trouble is they have been struggling really badly for years now and has had to cut a lot of the perks they used to have for their people -- the annual Laughlin trip, parties on their boat, trips to Catalina, et cetera.

Nowadays all we do is sleep, work, then come home and sit on our individual computers. Each of us has laptops that we surf on in the living room with the TV on. It's really sad, and it makes me angry, but I don't know what to do about it. I try to get them up and out with me, to dinner or out shopping or a theme park, anything. They never "feel like it." I've pretty much given up trying to do something about it. I'm really looking forward to moving out, but at the same time I don't want to leave my mom. My dad isn't abusive in the traditional sense, but living with him can be very exhausting and difficult.

I guess the truth is we're a pretty typical family, complete with shortcomings and a faults and whatever else you can think of.

bluh

Things have actually been happening lately. I was quite prepared to compile a stellar post, but then this suspicious aura (likely a migraine) manifested and I think I would rather go to sleep.

So, the stellar post will have to wait until tomorrow.

Day 2 — Your Crush

He has a girlfriend, and I am not a tart, so he is a nonissue! Anyway I only fancy him for his beastly car. Mee-ow.

Anyway, the mutual friend that schedules the get-togethers where we hang out (very rarely as it is) is moving far far away, so I probably won't be seeing him any more. Weep.